Can I just say that I haven’t been listening? I haven’t been listening. I know my Father’s voice, but I haven’t been listening the way that I should. I haven’t been drowning out distractions the way should. The first thing I used to do was get up and read or and pray. I don’t mean that to sound cliche, but I really, really used to do that and I lived for it. Spending time with God, in His presence, with His Spirit was the highlight of my day.
There was a time where it was common to find me, face to the carpet, in worship at any time of the day. I would be home in my prayer room just in awe of Him, being filled with Him so much so that it caused an ache to be filled even more… I wonder if we even have that capacity. I mean even though I ached to be even more filled with Him, I wonder if my heart and spirit even have the capacity to just overflow with Him so much that there’s nothing of me left but the vessel… No personal will, no self-serving cares. Can you imagine?
But that was then and this is now. Then I still watched television, even Netflix. Then I still took daily calls from my best friend, but none of it outweighed the voice of God. I’d hear Him call to me and I’d listen, just the smallest stir and I’d be waiting. I was not afraid to feel because I knew He’d comfort me and I trusted Him with my whole heart! Today I still hear Him but I haven’t been listening, I still feel the unpleasant sting of reality, but I’ve hidden those feelings away. Sometimes I feel as if I’m trying to drown everything out with distractions instead of giving them to God… I keep wondering; when did I become so afraid of the thing I want most? Intimacy with God.
Honestly, there are so many things around me that have brought hurt and I’ve really just wanted to shut it all out. Rather it’s food, TV, or any other source of distractions, I find that I’m always trying to feed on something that doesn’t truly fill me. When I look at that I know that I’m not deserving but that He deemed enough for His call, enough for His love.
I feel Him calling me, stirring in me the promises of old. I’m so glad that He’s faithful. I’ve been afraid and I’ve hidden from my first love they things only He can fix. But He is a faithful God. I’m so glad that He is not a man that He should lie, nor the son of man that He should repent. I’m also glad that God never leaves us, nor forsakes us and that His mercy endureth forever, for without these things, where would I be?
God has shown me things, and even through my lack of diligence I’m glad of this: “God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?” Numbers 23:19
So Father I just thank You for all of Your goodness, and mercy. I thank You for Your redeeming strength, the truth of Your Word and the power of prayer. I ask forgiveness for the times I’ve run from You, the times You called and I didn’t answer. I repent Father, I turn away from those things, and those ways and I lay them at Your feet. In Jesus’ Name, I pray, Amen.